Hi All!! First blog post eva!! And I mean not just on this site. I have never written a blog before. I wouldn't call myself a writer, journaler, or blogger and the fear of others judgment was always a bit too much for me to ever consider writing in such a public way. Especially writing something personal.
That all said, I am a bit of a personal development junkie. For many years now I have been reading books, attending seminars, working with Life Coaches, in an all out effort to have the life of my dreams. For so many of us, we spend so much time in our life dreaming/planning about what could be, what we want to be, and never taking a step towards that life. Even with all of the personal development work I had done I was still allowing my life to remain the same. Not that my life was bad, or painful, I was simply unfulfilled. I had gone so long feeling absolutely passionless and it reflected in every part of my life. I would blame external circumstances, it couldn't be me it had to be everything around me right? Never taking an ounce of responsibility.
There is a great line in the movie "Eat, Pray, Love," ... "Hadn't I wanted this? I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life. So why didn't I see myself in any of it?" Everytime she says that line I balled like a baby. Accepting that your life is the way it is because you designed it that way is a true and hard pill to swallow. Now of course there are things out of your control in life but understanding how much of your life you do truly have a say in is scary. And that is where fear comes in. The only thing worse than staying where I was, was doing something different.
So for years I had started working on a website, and stopped, started working on a Graphic Design company, and stopped, started working as an outside Analytics Consultant, and stopped. The moment something felt uncomfortable, scary, or intimidating I would throw my hands up in the air. The world is against me!! And go back to my life of normalcy. That life was safe and I understood it. I went through a divorce, I split with a fiancee, I quit jobs with no other job in line. All of that wasn't as scary because I could always blame someone else for what happened. However the second that I started getting that feeling of responsibility the pressure and fear became so overwhelming that even the smallest tasks would seem impossible.
So you say "But Sandie, I am reading this blog on your website?" And you are right!! So what happened?
I met Michelle Fournier my current life coach. I'm not saying that you need to go out and get a Life Coach. However she taught me a very important concept that took a while to sink in, once it did it has truly changed my thoughts on how to process fear and what fear really is. Now there is fear that comes from being chased by a bear or being robbed, that fear is true fear, fear of death. The fear that we feel when we are dealing with life and circumstances is not true fear, it is something different.
I love the visual of walking along a path. You reach a fork in the road, the path to your right you have been down before, the path to your left you have not. You stand in front of the path unknown and you feel fear. Why? You have no idea what is down that path how can you fear it? That fear is the realization that you are doing something different, something new, something you have no real concept of where its going to go and you could get hurt. Thats what that fear is telling you. Not to run and hide, not to give up, not to go back to the safe known place. Simply that you are now on unknown ground. Thats it! Nothing more or deeper than that. Understanding that fear as simply a caution "Hey you've never been here before, be careful!!" has been incredibly empowering!
Building this website has been challenging, I constantly have fear pop its little head in. "What if no one likes your art, that could hurt?" Well Fear, I have never had a website so I don't know if people will or won't like my art. "What if no one buys anything from you, that could hurt?" Well Fear, I have never asked anyone to buy anything from me so I don't know if they will or won't. I now treat fear as a reminder that I am on new ground. I feel the fear and I know, I am now in a new place. Thats it. Thats all the power fear now has over me. Now I can build my website, build my online store, venture onto instagram, and be vulernable in a blog post because I understand that I am the director of my life and fear will never again choose for me which direction I go.
"We are going to create a life, and if we keep breathing, in the next 12 months, we will create a year of life. So we don't get to not create life......Know this: we will either consciously design a life that we love or we will default back to the patterns we have had up until now."
Mary Morrissey
